Blab dot com
by I am Unique
Summary: A wacked story which was written by my friends and I where we each write a part and send it to the next person. Please don't read it unless you were an author.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else in this story. Rac-Rac Proof Readers: Pegasus

Frickles/shortstuffs Zelly

Red squirrel Iamatorturedsoul

_Rusty girl Zera Silver_

Roo Padfoot-and-Prongs-rock

**Chapter 1**

**Frickles)**Once upon a time there was a hero called Sparhawk. He wasn't a proper hero as he had done nothing heroic but he came from a long line of heroes. Because of this dilemma he decided to…

__**Rusty girl**__ take extra maths with his best friend Brainy every day. Brainy's dad had an emu farm. One day all the emus...

**(Red squirrel)** conspired to all take up a signal in which to punish Brainy's sister, Bryony, because she brought all her boyfriends to ride on the emus with her and they were very tired of this abuse. One day they let Bryony and her boyfriends on but went a-squawking and flung them into the sewage dam.

**(Rac-Rac)**A little scrawny bedraggled man came out of a large sewage pipe on the side scuttling on all fours.

"Who are yousssssssssssssss……?"He hissed peering at them through insect-like eyes. Without waiting for an answer he said, "What are they my precious?" He was talking to himself, "They want to steal you my precious but I won't let them. No he will lead them on a false trail, oh yes he will won't he my precious!" Then he sniggered and said to the wet stinky group in the water "Go straight ahead and you will find the exit" With this he left them and scuttled deeper into the pipe, leaving the group to their watery death.

Soddit (His other personality is known as Smégol) went deeper and deeper into the dark pipe muttering to himself. After a few hours his luminous eyes pierced the darkness of a long forgotten cave. There was a cave pool glowing with an inner light in the middle of the cave. He reached into its pearlescent waters and his hand came out holding a fish. He bit into the fish, scales and blood on his teeth. With relish he licked his fingers and…

Okay I think we can leave Smégol with his disgusting table manners and get back to the hero: Sparhawk grabbed his reins and…

**(Frickles)** with Brainy's directions he galloped Moonshadow, his faithful silver horse, over fields and meadows until he reached the place where Bryony and her boyfriends disappeared. His brain was working overtime.

Suddenly he called out, "Sephrena I need you now! Please come." and there she was, his old teacher who taught him the styric arts (magic).

Sephrena got to work immediately meditating to find out where Bryony and Co. was. She woke from meditating and said in a strange voice, "Bryony and Co. died and there is something down that we have to investigate. Something evil and grotesque. We have to…

**(Rusty girl) **go down there and investigate."

Suddenly the ghost of Bryony appeared. Sparhawk fell off his horse and Sephrena fainted Bryony smiled and laughed.

"I won't rest until my boyfriends' bodies and mine are recovered from the sewage!" said Bryony.

After Sephrena's full recovery they all got into a tiny boat. Seriously, it was small. Puny. 1m by 0.4m. So anyway, they sailed down the sewage river and guess who they meet. Captain Jack Sparrow sailing the Black Pearl. Bryony's eyes were glued to his.

**(Roo)**"Hello my dear!" he called down to her "An' wha' is a young pre'y thing lyk you doin' on a beau'ifuw sea?" (He was obviously drunk) "Come aboard my lovely ship and……………………….well…………………….we'll see what happens…….."

B

ryony didn't wait for her ship to reach her but swam to it (ha ha …….Christa! ☺). But before she reached it a giant octopus thing with sharp cone-like teeth ate her up! All of a sudden Elizabeth Turner popped up from the water.

"Ah, Elizabeth!" said Jack "Hide the rum" he said to his pet giraffe (meanwhile Sparhawk had been sneaking on deck)

Now it was only Sephrena and the boyfriend ghosts in the small boat. They made a hole in the boat and then they were like, "Oh, the boats sinking." and then the boat sank and that was their death ... again

Back on board the Black Pearl………

**(Red squirrel)**Suddenly a scaly face with blood and bones emerged from the octopus's mouth. "I'll get my revenge," Bryony said before sinking beneath the murky depths.

Elisabeth leapt aboard the ship, "Jack you retard give me the rum! GIVE ME THE RUM! GIVE ME THE RUM!"

Will Turner arrived in a ship, "Elizabeth!" he cried but his grin melted as he realized that six ghostlike people were lifting the two ships into the air……….

**(Rac-Rac) **"Ah great. I've just waxed the deck!" said Jack Sparrow, "They are getting all their slimy ectoplasm on my beautiful sails!" Taking a knife between his teeth he jumped with nimble grace onto the ship's mast and started climbing the riggings.

"Polly want a doubloon! Polly want a doubloon!" came a screeching as a brightly coloured, blue and green parrot zoomed past. Jack shook his fist at the bird but the parrot ignored him and swooped into the company of the ghosts who were on the crow's nest.

The ghosts dispersed and faded away because they didn't like this ship where mad phantom birds flew through them.

Elizabeth, seeing Jack on the mast yelled, "Come down and fight me you coward!"

Elizabeth cared nothing for the ships welfare (as long as it sailed) and only wanted to see Jack dead. Drawing her cutlass she swished it in the air in front of her and severed the rigging's main rope. Jack screeched in terror as he toppled from the great height.

Elizabeth sidestepped as the rigging came down with its human cargo. She flashed her perfect teeth at Jack where he lay dead beneath the rigging.

She heard a splash in the water and lo behold Sparhawk was spluttering and gasping for air in the water beneath her. She jumped in the water and pulled him onto the ship.

**(Frickles)**They had by now reached the end of the river and were anchored close to an island. Elizabeth had made herself captain.

Sparhawk was drawing a design on deck with chalk and stood in the middle of his drawing, "Sephrena!" he called and in front of him appeared his little old teacher.

Elizabeth was very confused and later asked Sparhawk about Sephrena. He answered, "She worships the styric Goddess Aphrael and she is 200 years old. She is immortal and has studied the styric arts very thoroughly. She taught me all I know about magic."

They landed on the smallest of the islands around them and went exploring. Suddenly a patch of ground burst into flame and out stepped an elf.

Sephrena's face burst into a smile, "Arya! How nice of you to visit me!"

The elf was the most beautiful being that Sparhawk had ever seen. She had long, straight hair and large, green eyes. She was small and lithe and moved with grace.

Elizabeth was startled and said, "………

**(Rusty girl)**What the hell is that?"

Sephrena said Arya was a fortuneteller. The elf then said something in a strange language called Afrikaans. Sephrena translated, "I will tell you your future if you like, for free?"

Lizzy looked as if she had won the lottery. "Like, of course!" came the reply.

Arya then took her hand and examined it. "I see love in the near future and you are going to make a lot of money in plastic surgery. Though I can't tell you who your _new_

lover will be." Sephrena translated.

Later in the night Lizzy and Sparhawk were kissing. Lizzy was enjoying it so much that she didn't see Brainy sneaking up on them until he started beating up Sparhawk. Lizzy screamed,"…………

**(Red squirrel)**Leave him alone, you've had your time!"

"You traitor, you s (rude word), you daughter of the cheapest prostitute. You were mine last night!" screamed Brainy at Elizabeth and ran at her on the way knocking down Sparhawk with the sheath of his sword. Brainy wrapped lizzy in a tight embrace and started to force kiss her. She started to fight Brainy shouting that she didn't belong to anybody but to herself.

**(Rac-Rac)**While Sparhawk stood dumbstruck watching them fight, a giant _Pheobiah __mollusc_ (a snail) slowly emerged from a dense concentration of trees behind him. The snail muttered under its breath, "Dadum…….dadum……dadum dadum dadum dadum daduuuuuuuuuuuuuum." (Shark Attack theme song)

♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♫

(Complementary of Frickles)

The snail went faster and faster with each "dum" of its horrible stalking hum that it used to stalk prey.

Sparhawk slowly turned around, gave a gasp of horror and cried, "Iccantrê!" and immediately a bubble of pearlescent sheen enveloped him. The snail was hungry and had never encountered such willful prey. Giving a mighty roar of impatience it slimed over the bubble looking for a break in the shield.

"Ooh, aah……." said Sparhawk in amazement as he looked up from beneath the snail's muscular "foot" (that is what it is called in scientific terms) through the bubble.

Suddenly the snail saw two more prey that didn't notice him and who were fighting territorially (as the snail thought) with each other. Giving a gurgle of delight the snail moved towards the unknowing pair. Drooling, it reared up and Lizzy's and Brainy's shouts were drowned as they disappeared under the snail.

Sparhawk took a packet of salt from out his pocket and threw it at the snail's gigantic head.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else in this story

**Chapter 2**

**(Roo)(A/N**Now dear reader, you should be fairly confused, I know I am. However, I shall continue the story………)

And so, the snail spouted horrible, green, gooey stuff out of its head and 3……………….2…………………..1! It had completely disappeared. Or so they thought…….

Meanwhile, it had actually shrunk into a miniature giant snail and was slowly crawling up Sparhawk's leg. "Alas!" he cried, "The miniature giant snail is crawling up my leg! And alas, I shall slice him off my leg and he shall be killed ……………………….FOREVER!!!!!!!!" So he sliced the snail in two and the snail was dead………

But not for long…………

Meanwhile Elizabeth and Brainy were getting quite cosy (They had reappeared when the snail shrank). "Aha! I have caught you!" yelled Sparhawk at the two of them,

"Liz, I thought you loved me?"

"I do. I was just hallucinating."

"Oh, OK."

So Brainy, Lizzy and Sparhawk flew away on the magic shoe, back to Cynthia Sylvie, Queen of Sylvieland, who had knighted Sparhawk, to give Sparhawk his bravery award. The whole country attended the ceremony.

Meanwhile, the snail was crawling to its body parts and soon it was a full snail again. It ate a growth hormone and became a giant again. Then, it started make its way to Sylvieland…….

Dum……………..Dum………….Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

**Frickles**Back at Sylivieland. It was the ball after Sparhawk's ceremony and Sparhawk was sulking because Elizabeth was in a group of men and flirting with every one of them. Sparhawk walked to the food table to satisfy a nonexistent hunger and bumped into someone. As he turned to say he was sorry, he recognised her as Sephrena's God daughter, Arya.

He asked her what she was doing here and she answered that Sephrena had invited her but was urgently called away to help some knights fight a troll.

"So you're feeling a little left out?" he asked

"Ya, kind of. I don't know anybody here except you and Elizabeth. I couldn't see you and Elizabeth is kind of un-approachable." she said in a matter of fact voice.

Sparhawk's face went dark and he scowled. Arya said, "You have to get over her sometime. She won't be satisfied with only one mans attentions!"

"I know. But it is hard because she makes me feel like the most handsome man on the planet. Anyway I want to know more about you. Where do you live?"

**Rusty girl**"Oh, with friends, you know….." Arya answered, "And you?"

He laughed, "I have a mansion in Zimbabwe. Would you like to come visit?"

"Hmmmmmm…… I have to think about that." she said, looking in to his sea blue eyes. Secretly she wanted to go to his mansion as soon as possible.

"Shall we dance?" He asked looking at her.

"That would be nice." she said softly.

So they danced the tango, the waltz and of course the chicken dance. Arya then said she had to go powder her nose. Sparhawk went to find Elizabeth to say he was sorry for going off with Arya. Although his love for Elizabeth had diminished and his love for Arya had gotten past the "just friends" stage. When he found Lizzy she was making out with Mr van Tonda. He ran right back to Where he had left Arya with the truth that Elizabeth was a great s (that is for Frickle's innocence).

**Red squirrel****)(A/N: **Well, just a commentary, Frickle is a little sensitive baby if she says that.)

Sparhawk returned to the dance floor. There was Arya. The beautiful Ms Arya. She was standing by a table, her beautiful white dress billowing gently.

He grinned with pleasure and picked out a red rose from the bouquet next to him. He walked up behind her and put his masculine arm on her ghostly white shoulder. She jumped and turned to face him. For a few moments their eyes locked, spellbound. Arya broke off blushing. Sparhawk offered her the rose with a bow. She took it gently from his fingers.

"Arya." He whispered in his deep masculine voice.

Out of the corner of his eye he spied a dark man with a rifle aimed at Queen Cynthia. "No!" he screamed and ran towards her dragging Arya along as he forgot to unclasp his arm from hers.

**Rac-Rac** BANG. Arya's beautiful white dress was stained red at the waist line and the red was spreading all over the white Chinese silk.

"Arya!" screamed Sparhawk in horror as he caught her when she toppled. Instead of a few sweet last words Arya's face became benevolent and she cackled wickedly

"Ah, Sparhawk. To believe that _you_ fell for my oldest trick while poor, beautiful Arya suffers locked up in some lonely tower!" giving one final cackle Arya's form dissolved and the shape of Smégol took her place (yes, Smégol!). Smégol sniggered horribly, snatched Sparhawk's sword from its scabbard and bit into the sword's hilt. A small ring fell onto the floor. Smégol snatched it up and said, "At last my precious I have you." Smégol slunk from the ballroom leaving behind a dazed and very confused Sparhawk who gave a look of disgust when he realised he had mistaken Smégol for Arya.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else in this story.

**Chapter 3**

**Roo****)(A/N: **That's all well and good and I will continue now, but I just have to say that Frickle has a perfect right just as the rest of us do as to decide what words are suitable for the story, and calling her a "little sensitive baby" was totally out of line and not something we should be calling our friends, so stop squabbling! As to the "starry" word, I thought it was something else, so you might want to specify.)

(I'm glad one of you has some sense)

Okay, now, back to reality………

"Smégol! I might have known! Like Arya would have turned me down, I'm so damn good looking I reckon if Britney Spears knew me-----"

"Sparhawk! Concentrate! OK!...at last, my precious, we are reunited." said Smégol

(He had snuck back in when he heard Britney Spears mentioned).

Then, once again he ran out the ballroom. Two seconds later, Sparhawk heard a scream. He ran outside, but stopped just inside the doorway. The ballroom was floating over a volcano full of boiling lava!!!!!!

"Crackers! What happened?!"

He turned around and ran back inside and bumped into…………….Frodo and Sam!!!!!!

"Come, quick Sparhawk!" began Frodo, "We've got to……….

**Frickles**Get those rings from Smégol before he does something worse than this."

"Wow, wow, wow. Slow down. I have absolutely nothing to do with those rings apart from the fact that one was hidden in my sword hilt!" said Sparhawk, "And anyway someone needs to stay and help Sephrena set this ballroom right. It's the least I can do."

So off went Frodo and Sam to hunt Smégol. Sparhawk and Sephrena put their heads together (figuratively) and meditated. Through this joined meditation they lifted the ballroom and set it in its proper place in Queen Cynthia's Palace.

That night he had a dream about Arya. He saw her in a high tower lying on her bed crying.

Sparhawk then……

**Rusty girl** saddled his horse, Starbright, (his other one died in a heroic accident) and rode in to the sunset to save his bonny lass. He found her in a small grey tower on Mount Everest. When he was inside he saw a purple, fire breathing dragon, but he vowed not to leave Arya alone crying in the grimy tower. He took his sword in both hands, ran up to the big purple dragon and sliced it in half! Too bad for the dragon. Then he ran up the grimy stairs to his bonny lass but unfortunately, Smégol was eating, fish blood dripping down his chin©. The keys hung around his neck. The keys to Arya's room (actually it was a dungeon). Anyway, Smégol was eating fish and, uh, Sparhawk wasn't doing much. He then beat Smégol, grabbed the keys and ran down some stairs. His heart beat.

Diddum, diddum, diddum♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♫♪

He unlocked the door and walked over to where she lay, picked her up and kissed her for the first time.

**Red squirrel**But in walked the giant snail

dum, dum, dum♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪

Sparhawk and Arya looked up wide-eyed with terror at the spectacle. Its awful slobbery tongue shot out sloshing and drooling all over Araya's hair. Arya passed out…………………..

But Sparhawk didn't know this so he wept over his beloved (AS, he hardly knows her‡) Then he turned to the snail and his eyes glittered with anger as he took out his sword and lunged for the snail's throat…….

**Roo**The snail let out a giant low roar but kept on going so Sparhawk lunged again………this time the snail fell to the floor but he didn't have time to acknowledge his victory. He ran back to Arya, he felt her pulse and realising that she was still alive, carried her to one of the bedrooms in his mansion. He tended to her for three days. On the third day she awoke.

"Whoa! Who are you? Get away from me!"

"Hey, relax. I'm Sparhawk. I'm the one who rescued you from the giant snail who a time ago was a miniature giant snail that was slowly crawling up my leg, and then somehow it miraculously to become a giant snail again and I had to fight it to save your life."

"Huh?" Arya asked.

"I saved your life."

"Oh. Gee, thanks, I owe you one"

"Ah don't worry about it. Hey are you hungry? I make the best medieval pancakes ever!"

"Sure OK."

When they had finished the meal, they went for a walk in the luscious green gardens and they chatted about life, heroes, villains and their own private lives. Arya was beginning to fall for his ridiculous charming ways and hilarious sense of humour. Sparhawk was enchanted by her smile, her petite build and girly laugh.

It began to rain, but they were hours away from the castle, so they ran to get shelter under the trees.

"By the looks of the clouds the rain won't stop till tomorrow morning earliest." said Sparhawk.

"That's OK. I think I saw a cabin a little way back. It looked deserted."

"Well, I suppose it's better than nothing."

When they got to the cabin they found it dusty but cosy. It had a kitchen-come-bedroom-come-dining room, a bathroom and a storage room. they started looking through the stores.

"Ah!" cried Sparhawk,"Would you believe it! Coffee!"

So they had some black coffee and talked all through the night.

By the next morning the rain still hadn't stopped. A little spider came and told them that the acid rain would not stop for five days.

"How are we going to manage for food?" asked Arya worriedly.

"Don't worry," said Sparhawk,"I'll think of something."

That night they ran out of coffee and Sparhawk lay awake thinking of what he could do. There was no way he could go back to the castle with Arya; the acid rain would burn right through their skin. By now he was too much in love with her to leave her while he flew to the castle in his magic underpants. By then it was too grey to tell the difference between night and day now.

Finally, Sparhawk came up with a plan. He would………no that wouldn't work. He could……..no, no, no, they would be blown to bits! Then he got this genius idea……………..

**Rac-Rac** Why he hadn't thought of it before, he thought angrily: His force field. Lifting an astonished Arya into his arms he shouted "Iccantrê!" a pearlescent sheen enveloped them in a bubble. Still holding Arya he ran outside. By now Arya was clutching him so tightly that he let out a squeak of pain. When he looked at her indignantly, her eyes were wide with fear and he looked at what she was staring at and gasped. Right in front of them, oblivious to the rain, was a figure seated on a horse.

The horse had silvery dove wings, neatly folded at its sides. It had a luscious coat and it had cloved hooves and a spiralled ivory horn rose up from its forehead. But it was the rider that caught their attention. The figure almost blended in with the rain because of "it's" grey cloak and hood. The face was cast in shadow by the hood and so they couldn't make out if it was a woman or a man. Suddenly the rider spoke in a melodious voice, emotionless yet with warmth and welcome: "Ah finally, I have found you Sparhawk and," here 'it' bowed "The wise and immortal Arya." Seeing the dumbstruck faces 'it' gently climbed off the brittlehorn (another name for unicorn) patted its head. Sparhawk had noticed that the rain had stopped and Arya was really getting heavy and she was having hiccups (too much coffee) so he simply opened his arms and dropped Arya who fell with a "oof" on to the ground.

Rubbing her back Arya said "I'm speechless, first you sweep me off my feet and then you drop me on to the acid swept muddy ground and . . ." the rider came up behind her and said " I thought you were speechless Miss Arya, elf helper of the Varden." the rider threw off its hood and Arya gasped. The 'it' had a finely boned face which was softened by large bright blue eyes, a nut brown and soft almost feathery golden hair cut below the ears "I am Sam (not Frodo's friend Sam) of the Magic Institute order, also a friend of the world head of magic, Jormê. I have been asked by him to assist your friends, Frodo and Sam, to find Smeágol, who has the ring.

Fortunately Smeágol has been … erm … caught but refuses to loosen his grip upon Frodo's hair until the ring has been brought back to him and …" here Sam was cut off by the arrival of Sam and Frodo. Frodo had a kind heart and a stout yet slight build yet even that couldn't' stop him bursting out how heavy Smeágol was "Yeah fine, just go off you stupid flying Lama and leave 'this'," here he pointed at Smeágol who was busy grooming Frodo's hair but at the same time uttering short bursts of " Where are's yous my preciousss?" Frodo continued " … monstrosity of a burden to carry around while you go and ask the help of a middle aged swordsman-magician who has a crush on a 200 year old mummy … erm pardon me Arya but you are quite old … who has trouble remembering if she's a 16 year old giggling teenager or a wise elf of great wisdom!"

Smeágol sniggered and pointed at Sparhawk and Arya, almost loosing grip on Frodo's curls.

An hour after this outbust everyone was sitting in comfortable armchairs drinking rum (complement of Jack ah, rest his memory) or coffee in RIP, Sparhawk's Zim mansion. Smeágol was rocking on his heels on the floor in glee holding a "MADE IN CHINA" plastic ring until the time came when he found out it was fake. Sparhawk was talking magic with Arya and Sam( not hobbit Sam) while Frodo and Sam were edging further and further away from Smeágol, who was looking at the ring on his finger in confusion and the … anger. jumped an astonishing height into the air and fell on Sparhawk "My presiouss. it's GONE!" …

**Frickles**and started punching him.

Sparhawk's brain was working so slowly that he didn't even notice that Smeágol was pummelling him black and blue.

Suddenly the living room's door was kicked open and in jumped Jackie-Chan.

He started beating up Smégol until Smégol dropped to the ground holding his head and moaning (like those gnomes in Harry Potter 1 computer game after you have fipendoed them.)

While this was happening (LOTR) Frodo and Sam had sneaked away through the broken down door. (With the rings)

Jackie-Chan then bowed to Arya and said "I'm at zeez zerrviees!"

"Thank you but that is all I needed from you." she replied.

Sparhawk's head cleared and he looked around at the surroundings, "What's he doing here?" he said gesturing at Jackie-Chan "Aren't you supposed to be fighting crime in China?"

Arya answered, "No, he is my new body guard. He trained with the legendary Butler (from Artemis Fowl)!"

"What are you going to do after you served Arya?" asked Sparhawk.

"I eez goin to …

**Rusty girl**Jump of a cliff in to a crocodile infested river and kick some crocodile butt."

He then went to cook them a gourmet meal of angry duck (it was livered), jasmine rice and coconut ice-cream.

Sparhawk turned to Arya and whispered," Age is nothing. You are still the most beautiful thing to me."

Arya's heart was banging in her chest. He is so sweet, she could not help but like him-a lot. She answered," No nothing matters anymore."

Sparhawk then kissed the real Arya (the previous time it was actually Smégol in disguise)

Arya suddenly felt very light and collapsed in his arms. He called Jackie-Chan but there was no answer.

He would now have to perform a serious operation on his own. Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. When she came to his lips were on hers. She whispered,"You just saved my life. Again! Thank you." and she kissed him again.

Then Jackie-Chan called out, "There are Black Ninja Turtles outside!"

(**A/N**: JUST JOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can forget those two paragraphs)

When she awoke, she actually screamed. She screamed so loudly that Sparhawk went deaf. She said that she was sorry but of course he couldn't hear her.

So when Jackie-Chan said, "There are Black Ninja Turtles that are attacking your mansion, please come help, Sparhawk" He didn't hear, again.

Arya looked around the room desperately. The Ninja Turtles were moving in fast and Sparhawk didn't even know.

What would she do?

**(A/N: **read on to find out more………


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else in this story.

**Chapter 4**

**Roo** She jumped onto Sparhawk's back (??????), who looked around in surprise to see …………………. the Ninja Turtles!

About 20 years ago, when Sparhawk was still a hero-in-training, they had had an encounter and Sparhawk had been defeated. But not this time……

He and Jackie-Chan leapt into action. Only 7 left to go…6…5…4…3…2… but where was the last one?

At that specific moment in time, Arya called out to Sparhawk but of course he didn't hear as he was still deaf.

DOOF!

Sparhawk was knocked unconscious (by the one with the red bandana) but

"Not to fear,

just stay away,

'cos Jackie-Chan

will save the day!"

Ja, so then he saved the day.

"Nows mays goods fwends, I ees seeing zat I haz dun al may zwerk,so I zud bes be goings." and with that he evaporated.

"Sparhawk! Sparhawk! No! NO!!!

" Sparhawk… My darling," she began, kneeling at his side, weeping, "Don't leave me, please, you can't leave me all alone, my darling Sparhawk."

She lay down with her head on his chest. The grass became damp from her tears and it started to rain big, pure, clear drops, but Arya didn't even notice, for she wept so hard.

However, the big drops roused Sparhawk from his deep, deep sleep. "Arya…" he whispered softly, "Arya, my love…"

"Sparhawk?" questioned the snivelling Arya.

"Arya, my beautiful darling."

"Sparhawk! You can hear me!"

"Of course, sweetheart, when could I not?"

"Er, long story, baby, don't ask."

Sparhawk rose to his feet and took out his magic shoe. They rode back to his mansion, it was still raining heavily.

They sat in the living room with a roaring fire and two big velvet chairs, which were right in front of a ten metre high window with long velvet drapes which were tied to the wall with golden tasselled ropes. Both were sipping big cups of medieval cocoa.

"How strange is this; both times we've been in Zim it has been raining," said Sparhawk.

Their voices echoed through the empty hallways…CRACK! Thunder and lightning broke out.

"You know, Arya, these past few weeks have been very special to me, and I have developed deep feelings for you. Basically, Arya, I love you. Your beauty, your personality, your faults, your weaknesses, your heart and so much more. Arya you mean so much to me, more than anything else in the world. And so my darling…"

At this point he goes down before her on one knee. Arya had begun to cry gently…

"Oh Sparhawk…" she whispered.

He pulled out a black velvet ring cushion, with a massive diamond ring lying on it.

"Arya, will you marry me?"

"Oh Sparhawk, of COURSE! I love you so much and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

Spirits were high, on that stormy night… The newly engaged couple went to bed (In separate bed) … (in separate rooms)

However, what they did not realise was that down in the basement lurked another soul…

(Thunder and lightning)

( Rac-Rac, please, please, PRETTY please don't break up the engagement I tried **so** hard to make it special…)

Captain Jack Sparrow! He sat in the base stroking his ginger kitten, drunk as a pirate, drinking rum until dawn. The rain had stopped. Presley was getting restless… He wanted food. Jack decided to…

**Rac-Rac** get some cat-food for Presley to nibble as Presley's claws were busy ripping his suede overcoat to shreds. Presley lovingly meowed and curled his tail around Jack's boots, almost tripping him. After Jack had given Presley food and some of his rum to drink, he stroked his beard and remembered how a giant cat creature had saved him from his death but when he was conscious, he found himself here with a … kitten which he had dubbed, Presley, not that he knew Elvis, but he knew that he had lived long, long, long after Jack (I don't think he's ever gonna tell anyone how old he is)

(**A/N: **confused? A normal person would be. Anyway, basically Jack is really old. Older than Elvis Presley)

Presley burped as Jack picked him up and immediately fell into a contented sleep snuggling up in Jack's arms. Jack said, "It's time everyone knew what Jack means by revenge."

He walked to the cellar doorway when he suddenly saw a cat which looked just like Presley walking down the stairs leading to the cellars. Jack stared at it, then at the sleeping Presley in his arms, "What the…"

Suddenly the cat on the stairs began to grow bigger and bigger. Its paws turned into hands. The head into a human face and the rest of the body into a young girl.

Jack's eyes almost pooped out. Suddenly he relaxed and laughed. "So where's the Candid Camera?" he said still laughing.

Hermione answered, (she is the cat lady), "There is none you drunken fool. I am here to …

**Roo** teach you a lesson, you moron! Now listen up, and listen well! There are two beautiful young people upstairs and I think you've had a very bad experience with romance, so I just came to say that I think you should **not** get involved at all!"

"But I didn't even…"

"Hey! I'm not here to listen to your excuses! Now let me hold Presley! I want a cuddle…"

"Ahh… He's so cute!" came a voice from the shadows.

"Stay away you evil villain!" cried Captain Jack, drawing his sword and looking around suspiciously.

"Oh Jack, don't be like that," Hermione whispered.

"Don't fear Hermione. I shall save you from this Barbie who thinks she is a woman." Captain Jack shouted into the darkness.

( If you're confused, let me explain: Jack and this blond Barbie met on holiday. She fell in love with him and he has been trying to get away from her ever since.

(**A/N: **If anything weird happens, don't worry, I was having a weird-feeling-day)

Anyway, Blondie steps out of the shadows only to be …

PARIS HILTON!

Then, allofasudden, a group of back-up dancers started dancing to 'the Barbie song' while Paris lead them. But because she had such large feet she tripped and…


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else in this story.

**Chapter 5**

**Rac-Rac**fell into a tub of rum, shouted rummy murder and drowned. (sudden, ain't it?)

Jack frog-leaped over the tub, the kitten in his arms and Hermione following in her cat form. They galloped up the cellar stairs on all fours (literally, even Jack) and burst into the kitchen.

Jack laid Presley on the counter-top, still fast asleep making little kicks with his paws as if chasing a mouse in his dreams. Jack heart melted at the sight but Hermione interrupted his private moment by the chomping sounds she made as she guzzled on a packet of cream crackers. Jack glared at her and asked, "What the crikey are you, girl? An animal?"

Hermione wolfed down the last few crackers, grinned wolfishly, her cat eyes glinting in the dim morning light and Jack suddenly felt it was a stupid question when he saw this, so before she could bound over him like a rabbit and answer him, he said, "Never mind, what did you say I mustn't do?"

Hermione rolled her eyes upwards, flicked her curly mass of hair over her shoulders and replied, "Sparman and Elfgirl are a couple now so ( according to Roo should be left alone……………………..hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..) leave them alone"

Jack snorted, "You MORON! I'm looking for Elisabeth; she's the one who almost killed me!"

Hermione started to coughing and choking violently but when Jack moved to help her, she held up her hands and said with a grimace, "Furrball!" Jack backed away disgusted but Hermione grabbed his hand and said, "Come on! We've got an Elizabethan to catch Pirate, so I suggest you move before I make **you** choke on fur!"

Jack said, "But Presley!" and struggled (for Jack's dignity I'll only say that) but Hermione was surprisingly strong as she managed to kick him out of the front door and follow him outside to start their quest.

Bam, bam, bam………………………….

MEANWHILE

Smégol was chittering like a little monkey clutching a ring to his chest in gleeful victory. He had tackled Frodo and Sam to the ground in a strange dark forest, tied them to a tree, stuffed their socks into their mouths and ran off happily into the dark undergrowth.

A day later a cheetah-like-creature was sitting in a tree when suddenly a little kitten joined him and he said, "Fireclaw, where were you all this time?"

Presley/Fireclaw said, "Me now Presley, I help Pirateman and he give me food, now me help him again by getting him ring like he talked about in sleep"

His dad replied, "Yeah, Yeah, whatever. Now I teach you to hunt. Look! There is prey already."

He was indicating at a shrivelled up old man like a creature that had big eyes and was chomping away on a fish bone. Presley eyed it suspiciously and said, "Is it safe to eat?"

His dad said, "Trust me son, I've been following it and we'll be doing the jungle a favour anyhow."

After a strange satisfying meal, Presley picked his teeth and found a golden ring saying, "Got it!" said goodbye to his dad and ran off.

(**A/N:** 2 down/dead (Paris+Smégol) many still to go. Mwahahahah)

**Frickles** He was loping through the forest very pleased with himself, when he stopped for the umpteenth time to sit and stare happily at the ring. Suddenly the tree roots between which he had sat moved!

He got such a fright he was paralyzed. The roots started curling around him tying him to the tree…

**Rusty girl**Suddenly Little Red Riding Hood appeared and out of the trees and rescued him. She did it by taking a dagger from her cookie basket and stabbing the tree.

Presley said, "You saved my life, thank you!"

"No problem." Was the reply, "Would you like to come to Gran's for tea?"

So of they went to Gran's but little did they know that…

**(Pegasus)**Granny was teaching Wolf table manners because she told him: "I REFUSE to be eaten so rudely! I have to be eaten 'cuz that's how the story goes – unfortunately – so you will SIT DOWN and learn how to eat properly! I have my pride, you know!" Anyway, so Arya and Sparhawk were sleeping in their separate rooms. Arya awoke with a hunger and a thirst and an ache … for Sparhawk. She sat in bed and looked at the starlit sky.

Sparhawk felt it to, for they had such a deep ending. They somehow, without knowing the other one would be there, met on one of the beautiful round marble verandas, overlooking the whole garden. They stood beside each other and stared into the night sky.

"So, when will we get married, my love?" asked Sparhawk softly.

"We'll know when …" Arya answered wisely, but dreamily. He silently put his arm around her waist and she put her head on his shoulder. There they stood, peacefully looking out in the night…

**A/N:** YAY it's over. Sorry about the crappy ending, it was becoming boring so one of us had to end it somehow. Hope you enjoyed.


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